Falling to Pieces
by AtlantisJoeFan
Summary: A follow up to 'Aftermath' Spoilers for 'Remnants' and reference to 'Common Ground'. John and Cat's relationship falls into difficulty and he has to cope with the fall out from what happened on the mainland. John Sheppard and O/C.
1. Chapter 1

Rating is T – sometimes suggested adult themes and suggestion of torture, though no more  
Summary: Romance, emotional and physical whump with John Sheppard and now established O/C  
Season: Season 5, post _Inquisition_  
Spoilers: _Remnants _and Season 5 generally. Some reference to _Common Ground_  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Though John Sheppard is in my guilty imagination

A/N:- This is a follow up to my stories _Maybe This Time _and _The Aftermath_. Set about a month after the latter story. I felt that the fall-out from _Remnants _for our John needed to be further explored.

**Prologue**

It was entirely possible that the whole of Atlantis had been woken by the raging argument coming from Doctor Catherine Adams' quarters. For nearly an hour the voices on the other side of the door had been at it, and more careful listeners were astonished to hear the range of profanities that occasionally could be heard. Teyla and Ronon stood outside, not sure what to do and surprised at the level of anger coming from inside. Fortunately, Richard Woolsey was a good sleeper, and the South East pier was far enough away for him to remain undisturbed. They had buzzed Rodney, who at that moment bad-temperedly stomped around the corner.

'What the hell is so important that you have to disturb me at this time of the night?' he grumbled, then with an 'Oh.....' he shut up. 'Well, that's unusual. How long have they been at it?'

'Since we've been here, at least half-an-hour,' replied Teyla, genuinely disturbed at what she was hearing. She had thought that the couple had sorted out their differences, and though she didn't know the details of their nearly fatal fall-out a month ago, Cat had appeared to be really happy to put it all behind her.

'Well, we'd better do something, before Woolsey wakes up. I didn't know there were so many swear words in the English Language. Er, Ronon...?'

'What do you want me to do? Break down the door?' muttered Ronon. He didn't really want to face an angry John Sheppard and suspected that Cat could be quite dangerous when in this mood too.

At that moment, the door opened and a white-faced John stomped out, quickly followed by a heavy object which crashed into the wall opposite, barely missing Rodney, and smashed into tiny pieces, leaving a permanent scar in Atlantis' skin. He hardly registered his friends, as he ran down the corridor, but they could clearly see the fury rising from the back of his head. Even his, usually, spiky hair seemed to more resemble a spiny anteater, than the more-gentle hedgehog look he normally wore.

'If you go with that jumper, John Sheppard, then that's it, it's over!' screamed the female voice from just inside the room. Rodney rose from the ground, where he had crouched to avoid the flying object which had so nearly decapitated him, only to meet a pair of extremely angry eyes. No, angry was not the word he would chose. Murderous, maybe, would be a better description. Deciding that discretion was the better part of valour, he stepped behind the bulk that was Ronon.

'Cat, Cat, what is it?' tried Teyla in as calm and gentle a voice as she could muster. 'I'm sure you didn't mean that. Come on, let's go inside and talk about it?' Teyla moved slowly towards Cat, and placed a soft hand on her arm, all the time trying to make eye-contact. Teyla had the ability to be almost hypnotic in these situations and, to Rodney's amazement, Cat allowed her to gently guide her back into the room. 'Rodney, Ronon, it's alright. I'll stay with Cat.' With a look at them and then down the corridor, she silently communicated to them to follow John and make sure he was okay.

Cat was shaking and sobbing as she allowed Teyla to guide her to the sofa. She didn't know if she was even capable of getting two words out at this point. 'How could he do this to them?' was all she could think. She knew that Teyla would not leave until she had some sort of explanation. Teyla was her friend, but she had been John's much longer. In fact, when Cat first arrived on Atlantis, she had heard rumours that there might have once been something more that friendship between Teyla and John, but he had quickly dispelled them. However, she understood the firm bond that tied them.

'Tell me what the matter is, Cat? What has caused you and John to fight like this?'

'He...he is going to the mainland [sob] taking those damn scientists [sob] to look at plants. 'She just about managed to get the words out.

'I don't understand, Cat. Why is this such a problem? Surely this is not enough to make you say all those unpleasant things to each other?'

'You don't understand, Teyla. Doctor Parrish is one of the biologists. You know, that pretty petite brunette who all the marines have been ogling since she arrived?' Cat could feel her temper rising again. 'She's just his type too. Bastard!'

Teyla was surprised, but suspected that the threat to fly the scientific expedition had not been the first bone of contention between them. Patiently, she tried to take Cat back to the beginning of the argument. And, slowly Cat unwound the events that had led to John storming out of the room so spectacularly. It had started as a minor irritation. John had promised to be back home by 7 O'clock but had been waylaid by Rodney, who wanted him for 'only a few minutes' to 'activate' a small device that Rodney was investigating. Rodney had been annoyed that it wouldn't respond to him and Teyla suspected that John had agreed, because in this mood Rodney could be very persistent, event to the point of waking John up in the middle of the night. As ever, Rodney's few minutes had turned into over an hour, and by the time John had reached their quarters, the romantic dinner that Cat had so carefully prepared was ruined and she was already fuming, fed up with the number of times he had already arrived back late that week, always with some perfectly plausible excuse that usually involved Rodney or Ronon. Teyla knew that it was no good trying to reason with Cat. She remembered well how important the early stages of a relationship are, thinking back to how she needed Kanaan to be with her in the evening, and how she had needed to make a nest for the two of them, now three with Torren John.

Still, the force of their argument surprised her. Not for the first time, she wondered if it was something John had done that had led to Cat's near death just a short while ago. She decided to play on her hunch.

'Cat. Tell me. When you ran away to the edge of the city, it was more than just John not turning up for the meal on the east pier, wasn't it? Did he do something to really upset you? Was it another woman?'

There was a pause. 'Yes,' she said simply, unwilling to say any more.

'Tell me, Cat. You can trust me. What happened?'

Cat painfully recounted the scene she had witnessed in the Atlantis bar. The beautiful brunette wrapped around John. The way his hands ran over her body. His kiss. The fact that they hadn't talked about it since, but that every time he was late, she wondered if he was with someone else, or maybe even 'her'. It had eaten away at her, and she had allowed it to boil to the surface this evening.

'You must know how much John loves you, Cat. He is one of the most fiercely loyal men I know. He would never do anything to hurt you. You do know that, don't you? Teyla said quietly.

'Yes. I do know Teyla, I really do. It was out of hand before I knew it, and now he really is chasing after another woman.' With that thought, she broke down into tears again.

'It is alright. I am certain that Ronon and Rodney will find him and bring him back. It will be alright. I will go and find them. We will bring him back to you.'

Teyla watched as her friend curled up into a foetal ball on the bed, and gently sob herself to sleep. Then, she quietly left the room in search of Ronon, Rodney and John and a means to bring the couple together again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1 **

John's temper was still simmering as he landed the jumper. Nothing is as powerful a righteous anger, and he really did feel aggrieved that she had doubted him so much. Ronon and Rodney had tried to talk him out of coming, but he was still too furious at Cat to listen, the sound of the glass vase breaking against the wall and her last sharp words still ringing in his ears. But, as he calmed down, he also began to understand, just a little, why she had been so jealous. Frankly, he had been amazed that she hadn't wanted to talk about the incident in the bar. She had briefly let him know that she knew, but he thought she had forgiven him. Well, that clearly wasn't the case. Still angry, he wondered what an earth he was doing here. Oh, well. It would do his battered ego no harm to flirt with a pretty young thing and even less harm if she flirted back. He had no intention of taking it any further than that, however. Lorne had asked him if he could pilot the science team to the mainland, something about a hot date, and John had initially refused, not wanting to spend a night away from Cat. In his anger, he had radioed Lorne and told him that his 'hot-date' was on.

Lorne had warned him that piloting biologists to interesting habits could be more boring than watching paint dry and he began to see his point. The girl was undoubtedly pretty in a 'sweet' almost boyish kind of way, but she was much too young for him and didn't have Cat's beauty or luscious curves. He tried to make eye contact one more time, but Parrish was far too interested in the exotic plant life to notice the signals he was giving out and rather more keen on staying with the pale little colleague who had accompanied them.

Sulkily, John slowly strode back to the jumper. He may as well take his time, he thought. Twenty four hours in this damn tropical forest before he could get back and make things right with Cat. There would be nothing much else to occupy him here. He hadn't brought his i-pod with him. Even his copy of 'War and Peace' would be welcome now. He had briefly entertained the thought that he could contact her from the jumper, but he knew enough of her stubbornness to suspect that she wouldn't want to speak to him yet.

'What the hell!' he exclaimed, just as a loud crack sounded from behind him. Turning, he saw a flash and felt the tingle of a stunner, before collapsing in a heap on the ground.

His body ached and his head hurt, as he slowly came to consciousness. Shaking himself, he realised that his legs and arms were tied, his arms behind him. As far as he could see, there was nobody around and he thought about calling out for help, before thinking better of it. If there were hostiles in the area, the two scientists were more than likely to get themselves killed, although John had no idea about what he was facing.

'First things, first, John.' Behind him was a large, sharp stone sticking out of the ground. Feeling the bounds, he realised that they were not too tight and he could probably get some purchase on them. It surprised him how easily he cut through them and he was able to untie his legs with no great difficulty. Even they felt less like jelly than they normally did after being hit by a stunner and his headache began to recede. Now he needed to head back to the jumper. Cursing, he realised that his guns had both been taken and reached inside his sleeve for the knife that Ronon had taught him to conceal.

The Jumper was only about 500 metres away, the hatch wide open. John was certain that he had closed it. The acrid smell of smoke filled the air and he knew what he would find before he even cautiously looked inside. Someone had completely trashed its interior, smoke still rising from the cockpit. Knowing it was probably futile, he checked the control crystals.

'Damnit!' he cursed. 'Oh, for God's sake, John, what are you thinking? There are two defenceless and unsuspecting scientists out there. Go find them. That's your job here after all, not flirting with young girls half your age!'

For some reason, the undergrowth looked deeper and more difficult than it had before. He was certain that there had been more of a clearing around the jumper when he 'parked' it. Dismissing the thought as irrelevant, he headed off in the direction where he thought the scientists had last been. Suddenly, to his right, he heard a sound in the undergrowth and he felt the hairs stand up on is arms, a sure sign that his 'spidy' sense was working. With knife in hand, he crept stealthily towards where he thought the sound had come from. About 10 metres in front of him he could just make out the back of a man in some kind of uniform.

'Genii? No, don't be ridiculous, John, Now you're seeing things.' There is now way in hell that the Genii could have found them. There wasn't even a gate on the mainland and he was pretty certain that the Genii didn't have space-ships. Still, better safe than sorry. John's period in special ops had made him pretty good at covert operations or 'sneaking up on people' as Rodney liked to call it, so he was somewhat surprised when he reached the spot where the soldier had been only to find that he had disappeared. Now, this was becoming downright perplexing.

Too late, he heard the footsteps behind him. Turning quickly to fend off the threat, he stopped in his tracks.

'Kolya!'. What the hell! Distracted, the last thing he felt was a sharp pain in his head, before he collapsed to the ground.

TBC

AN: _I ha_ve _to show how_ _there were little clues that the events were not real had John been able to pick up on them. While the events do more or less match those of the episode, there may be some omissions or additions and the dialogue is not entirely the same._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2**

John woke slowly and opened his eyes cautiously. He allowed his vision to clear before he began to test what trouble he had found himself in now. Standing a little way to his right was a familiar figure, with his back to him. Oh, God, he had to be hallucinating. The man was dead. He had killed him. He was sitting on the ground, legs out in front of him, tied up (again!), and his back against a tall tree. His hands were down by his sides, but he couldn't move them and he realised that he was trussed up like some sacrificial lamb.

'So, you're awake John,' snarled Kolya.

'You're dead. I killed you. Beckett confirmed it.' This could not be happening. It must have been the bang on the head.

Kolya brought his pock-marked face close to John's and he could smell hot, rancid breath on his face. 'You're not the only one to have made use of Ancient technology, John.'

Although John knew it didn't make sense, he had to trust his eyes. He remembered back to those nightmare hours, when Kolya had last tortured him. The buried memory of the fear and pain he had felt then came back to him with a rush. He clearly remembered the hard, cold look in Kolya's eyes as he ordered the Wraith to 'take your fill', and the way it felt to have his life drained from him. Never in his life had he hated a man nor wanted to take revenge quite so desperately, but when the opportunity arose, he had not blinked. He had shot him in the heart. But now, here he was and John had no doubt what was coming next.

'You're going to help me take Atlantis, John. It's about half a day's walk to the ocean and another two days by sea. But, you're going to fly the jumper.'

'And how the hell do you expect to get into Atlantis. You'll be dead before you're even half a mile away?' John could not help the smug smirk that crossed his face.

'Well, that's where you come in. Now, tell me your IDC?'

John stayed silent. He had no idea how Kolya intended to try to get the code from him, but he knew it wouldn't be pleasant. He stared at the man, as bravely as he could and watched as he slowly stretched black leather gloves onto his large hands. The first punch is always the worst, and he felt a sharp pain as his lip split and he tasted the metallic flavour of his own blood. Kolya was merciless. Blow after blow rained down on John. He was vaguely aware of a sharp crack as several ribs broke, but somehow managed to shake off the pain he knew he should be feeling. He could take this; he had suffered far worse and there was no damn way the bastard would break him. He hadn't before and he wouldn't now.

Finally, the attack stopped and Kolya pulled away. 'You're stronger than any man I know, John,' he growled, an ugly smile across his face which told of worse to come. 'Two men to me now,' he ordered through his radio, then pushed his face into John's. 'You have failed, Johnny Boy. You're friends are as good as dead.'

The punishment hadn't been that great, yet for the first time since he had arrived in the Pegasus Galaxy, John truly began to doubt. He understood Kolya's words to be true. Yes, he had failed his friends. He had failed everyone. He had woken the Wraith and they had killed tens of thousands of people. Their blood was on in his hands. He had given the order to re-activate the replicator attack code on the Wraith and more innocent people had died, including Elizabeth. Carson had died and he hadn't done anything to stop it. And now, all his friends would die and it was his fault. Kolya would take his final revenge on him. Teyla. Ronon and Rodney, they would all die because of him. Because, he had failed to kill Kolya . And Cat, his beloved Cat, whose last words to him were so bitter because he had failed her too, she would die. He would never see any of them again.

He numbly felt the ties loosened and two large Genii soldiers pushed him onto his knees in front of Kolya, arms stretched to either side. The pain from being tied up made his eyes water and when they cleared he looked in horror at the machete Kolya was holding.

'I am going to take the jumper to Atlantis. You can't stop me. In fact, you're going to give me a hand.' John's breath hitched as he suddenly grasped what was about to happen. He glanced to his left and watched as the light glinted upon the raised knife, then screwed his eyes shut and tried to prepare for the pain. There was a ghastly sound of flesh and bone tearing, followed by the most excruciating pain he had ever felt, just before he fell into blessed unconsciousness.

Coming too was not what he expected. He remembered another time when he thought he would wake up dead, only this time he had really wished it. He knew that he was not in good shape and could hardly raise his head he felt so weak. Slowly, he raised his left hand, praying that he had been dreaming, but knowing from the throbbing agony that he had not. The stump was bound tightly with white bandages and he briefly wondered why there was not more blood. Once again, he felt rather than saw Kolya's presence at his side.

'It's over for you, John. We've managed to reverse engineer the jumper and we can now fly it to Atlantis. How does it feel to know that all our friends will die because of you? How does it feel to know that you will never see again the one you love the most? You're a failure John. You never should have come here? Whatever you were running from has leapt up and bitten you well and truly in the ass. You even failed your mother, didn't you John? You will die a slow death, tied to this tree, knowing all of this.'

At that, he turned his back on John and spoke again into his radio. Suddenly, the ties became lose and John managed to crawl away, unnoticed. He was too dazed and far gone even to wonder why it had been so easy and, leaning against a tree, he managed to tuck his maimed left hand into his shirt and staggered into the dense undergrowth. Using the rope that had tied him, he managed to rig up a trap and he lay in wait. He didn't have to wait too long. A large soldier ran straight towards him, the rope caught his leg and he was catapulted upside down. Somehow, Kolya had not found the knife that John kept strapped to his side, and he slit the soldier's throat in one movement. Now, he had a gun. Two more soldiers ran towards him and he deftly took them both out, before heading back through the undergrowth, his pace so fast that he nearly fell down the steep ravine that opened up in front of him. With nowhere else to go, he turned and was hit by a hard body. The force of the hit catapulted him over the edge and he just about managed to get a hand hold with his one good hand as he crashed heavily into the rock, his shoulder nearly pulled out of its socket.

There was no way he could survive this, hanging with only one good hand, the other maimed arm still tucked into his shirt. If he could pray, he would have, but he simply said a silent goodbye to all those he had loved and to the love of his life, Cat. Damn it, he would not die in despair. He tried to think good thoughts as he felt the his hand begin to slip from the rock edge above: the first time he saw her, as she caught his eye in the gate room; he loved that directness and the beauty of her blue eyes; the night on the pier, their first night together, the growing knowledge of her body and the way feelings had stirred in him that he didn't know he had; waking up next to her, feeling her softness and warmth against him and making love, sometimes gently and sometimes with a strength of passion that had surprised him; how much he loved her. Yes, he wanted to die thinking about love, not hate, despair or revenge. His fingertips ached and he knew it was time to finally let go.

'I have no intention of letting you die, John. Use your other hand and pull yourself up.' The voice sounded like Kolya's but there was an unfamiliar neutrality in the tone.

Hesitantly, he pulled his left arm, hand?, from his jacket and flexed his fingers. 'What the...' With some difficulty, he turned himself around and pulled himself up the rock edge with two strong arms. Kolya waited patiently at the top for him. John tested his body as he stiffly stood up. He felt fine. He put his left hand to his lips, but there was no sign of the swelling he was sure must be there. His left side still ached painfully, and was tender to the touch, but then he hadn't imagined the sickening jolt as he flew over the cliff edge. Or, at least he didn't think he had.

In a state of confusion, he met the eyes of the man in front of him. Some kind of explanation was being offered, but he was so dazed that he couldn't take it in. Something about seeding and necessity and survival washed over him, but made no sense, but the words, 'military man' and 'distraction' came through clearly enough.

'That's what you call a distraction?' His voice sounded weirdly dislocated. 'You could have just wrecked the jumper.'

'You would have seen through the illusion, John. We had to find another way.'

Why would they do this? Why would they torture him? He didn't, couldn't understand why.

'You tortured yourself, John. Every day you torture yourself. You chose the direction of your hallucination. I had very little to do with it.'

So, there it was. He really was that sick. The guilt that he shut out, that he tried to bury, had finally manifested itself. He could have laughed at the irony of it. He prided himself on his ability to keep a lid on his feelings and boxed away the bad things, the horrors that he had experienced. He had done it all his life, from the moment he saw his mother's dead face and knew that he could do nothing to bring her back. All he knew now was that he had to get back to Atlantis, to his friends and to Cat.

Angrily, he turned his back on the AI and stormed towards the direction of the jumper, hardly noticing the two scientists, sitting by the hatch. He vaguely heard one of them say something about wondering where he had been and felt a passing irritation that they hadn't bothered to come and find him, then he hit his hand down hard on the controls and felt the hatch close. He had to get home. That's all he knew.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3**

Cat slept fitfully through the night. Occasionally she woke, then fell back into a kind of desperate, disturbed sleep. When she finally stirred to the first light of the Atlantis dawn, her back was stiff and the bed was cold, without John's physical warmth and comfortable presence. She wondered where he was now and tried not to picture what he might be doing with the little biologist, but try as she might she could not shift the painful image of him with another woman. Cat was not stupid. She knew that virtually every woman on the base wanted him. Who wouldn't? He couldn't help the lazy sexuality of his walk or the sensuous twitch of his full lips, the flirty smile behind his hazel/green eyes. John loved women and they loved him in return. She had tried not to think about who he might have bedded before he knew her, but was certain too that there were more than she cared to think about.

Sighing, she slowly got up and turned on the shower. Normally, her morning shower followed their love-making and it felt strange to be standing here alone. After sex, they would often slowly wash each other, which sometimes led to even more and often made John late for work. She'd finally blown that one, hadn't she? She may as well get used to lonely showers from now on. She had just wrapped a towel around her, when there was a soft knock on the door.

'Who is it?'

'It is me, Teyla. Can I come in?'

'Okay. Come in, Teyla.' Cat looked at Teyla for signs that she might have brought good news, but could see from the set of her features that she had not.

'I'm so sorry, Cat. We couldn't get to John before he left for the mainland. Rodney tried to talk to him, and Ronon tried to stop him, but he left Atlantis too quickly. I'm sure everything will be alright. John will calm down. He does not stay angry for long. It is not in his nature. He will come back to you, I am sure of it.'

Cat wanted to believe Teyla, she really did, but the night-time fears and the powerful image in her head of John with Parrish had become as good as real to her. She had convinced herself that it had really happened and that he had betrayed her with another woman.

She tried to sound as calm as she could, but was sure that her empathic friend saw through the pretence. 'It's okay, Teyla, really. I'm fine. I have accepted what's happened and just need to move on with my life. Please don't worry about me.' She wasn't sure how much Teyla bought it, but her friend simply smiled, nodded and left the room, leaving Cat to dwell upon the frightening prospect of life without John. She would have to give up her position on Atlantis, of course. Staying here would be impossible. Once upon a time, before they got together, she might have satisfied herself with looking from afar, but the time had long passed when she could imagine being near him but not with him. Atlantis needed John more that it did her, that was for sure. Yes, she would go and see Woolsey as soon as possible and hand in her resignation.

***

The doors to the jumper bay opened and John adeptly parked Jumper One in its usual place. Five years ago, flying the jumpers had been an amazing experience for the younger pilot who loved the adrenalin rush and the excitement of speed and he still felt a thrill at the ease and grace with which the ships flew. But now, he only had one task he needed to perform. Regulations dictated that he should have gone directly to the infirmary for a check up, but he would put up with Woolsey's reprobation later. Right now, he needed to find Cat. He needed to make it right between them , but mostly he needed the soft comfort of her, someone to ease the painful memories of the last few hours, someone to confirm for him what was real and what was not, someone to love him. While the events had not been 'real', the emotional torment he had been through certainly had been and this was even more painful given that he had done it to himself. He needed to be able to feel her arms around him, and to be able to cry with the one person who he knew would not judge him for it. Never in his life, well not since his mother, had he been able to open up so much with another person.

Unfortunately for John, circumstances conspired to keep him from reaching his destination. No sooner had he reached the doors of the jumper bay, when he bumped into an excited Mckay, already talking ten to the dozen. John couldn't really take on board what McKay was saying to him. His head ached and his side was throbbing and suddenly he was more tired than he had ever felt before.

'Well, that's typical of you, Captain Kirking it all over the place when the people who really keep the city going are struggling to keep it safe. You have managed to miss the whole crisis, while you were enjoying your little 'holiday' on the mainland. The whole place has been in an uproar. Woolsey is still reeling from the little hallucination he suffered, although from what I can gather it wasn't entirely without its pleasures, if you know what I mean, and I, as usual, have been the only one who is capable of saving all our lives and, oh and let me mention, the lives of a whole Alien race.' Rodney paused for breath, vaguely aware of John's slightly distant and uncomprehending look. 'Oh, I get it, you're tired and believe me you don't have to tell me why. Well, don't worry, crisis over. I have it all under control. I'm taking the device to the gate room now. Woolsey decided to do the right thing and we're sending it via The Daedelus to a planet where the seeds can grow.'

John's brain slowly caught up with the implications of what Rodney was saying. He had not been the only one to suffer at the hands of the AI. Not rising to Rodney's indignation, he quietly agreed to go with him the gate room, needing to see for himself what had been the cause of his painful stay on the mainland. While he would never tell Rodney everything that had happened, he would find time later to put him right about certain misconceptions. Rodney didn't need to know everything and the private man in him knew that he was still not able to open up completely to his friends. In any case, he needed to firmly put back in place the lid on the can of worms that the AI had opened, if he were to be able to carry on with his job.

What he didn't expect to see, standing by the device, was the beautiful woman talking to Woolsey. She turned to him and met his startled look with a smile, greeting him like an old friend. She thanked them all for giving her race another chance to survive, then for Rodney's benefit showed them the silvery form that was the likeness of the Sekari, before the transporter beam grabbed the device and the apparition fragmented. He vaguely heard Rodney exclaim 'neat' before he turned his back on the place where the AI had been, with a renewed determination to find Cat.

Half way down the corridor, the walls started to wobble and his head started to spin. A pain ripped through his side and he tasted something metallic in his mouth. He was aware that he had hit the ground hard, and heard the desperate plea for 'a medical team' before the world went dark.

Cat had just about got dressed when Teyla called her on the radio. She heard the panic in Teyla's voice. 'You have to get down to the infirmary now, Cat. As soon as possible. It's John.'

TBC

_AN: more whump coming for our John, especially of the emotional kind._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4**

The infirmary was quiet, apart from the gentle tapping of a keyboard, the sound of snoring and the beep of a heart monitor. As John woke up, he first became aware of the noises around him. Instinctively he did a self check before he opened his eyes. It felt as though a heavy weight was sitting on his left side and there was a slight burning sensation as he breathed in. He opened his eyes and winced at the light, then noticed the fuzziness in his head. 'Ah, the good drugs.,' he thought. Squinting to his right, he saw the familiar figure of Mckay, tapping away at his laptop, in his, sadly for John, usual place when his friend took up residence in the bed, which most now called Colonel Sheppard's. In a chair at the bottom of his bed, Ronon was stretched out with his mouth slightly open, making peculiar wheezing sounds through his mouth and nose. There was no sign of Teyla, but he seemed to remember a gentle touch on his arm at some point and knew, from experience, that she would have taken her turn in the vigil. Atlantis' first team were a family, so close knit that its members fell into these patterns of caring without a thought.

Initially, he couldn't quite work out what was wrong. He remembered something about a pain in his chest, tracing his thoughts back to the hours before and the fall down the cliff side. Then he realised. Speaking proved more difficult, but he managed to croak out a single word:

'Cat?'

Rodney started, and shouted, 'Doc, Ronon, he's awake!'

He heard the light footsteps of the little doctor approach. 'HI John', asked Doctor Keller, 'How are you feeling?'

'Oh, you know, pain, fuzzy head, the usual,' he replied , almost in a whisper. 'What happened?'

'Well, it seems that your visit to the mainland was more eventful than Doctor Mckay told me.' She glowered in Rodney's direction. 'You have three broken ribs and one of them punctured your lung. You were lucky that it happened here and not while you were back there, otherwise you might not have made it. You'll be here at least for the next few days, I'm afraid.'

'Rodney, where's Cat?' John asked. He knew what had felt wrong when he woke up. He just assumed she would be there.

'Oh, um..' Rodney hesitated, then continued awkwardly, 'She was here. To make sure that you'd be alright. In fact, she stayed for most of the night. When the doc confirmed that you were over the worst, thought, she left and I haven't seen her since. Teyla went to look for her about two hours ago, once we realised that you were beginning to come round.'

John tried to get up from the bed, but feeling the tightness in his chest collapsed weakly back into the mattress. 'No, no, no,' Keller raised her voice firmly, 'You are in no fit state to go anywhere. You need to rest and lie still.'

'But, Doc, you don't understand. I need to see her. I need to apologise. I need her here.' Panic was rising and he couldn't say why. He knew that something was wrong. Knew that if she had forgiven him , she would be here.'

Ronon had been quietly standing at the end of the bed. 'It's alright, John. I'll find her.' Always a man of few words, Ronon was better suited to doing than sitting still and he was glad of a task. He had been worried himself when Cat did not return.

'Thanks, buddy.' John felt his eyes unwillingly closing again and he drifted back into a drug induced sleep.

When he next woke up, Teyla was sitting by his bed, Rodney had gone and Ronon was nowhere to be seen. 'Hello, John. How are you feeling?' she asked, with a look of relief tinged with concern.

'I'm fine,' he automatically replied. John's 'fine' was probably ten times worse than anyone else's, but he had a strong pride that wouldn't allow him to admit how he was really feeling. Truth be known, he was far from fine. Yes, his side hurt, but more than that he felt an ache in his chest and a sick knot of fear in his stomach. Cat was not there. He had looked around desperately when he first opened his eyes, willing her to be sitting by his side, or on the end of the bed, but she was nowhere to be seen.

Finally he plucked up the courage to ask the question. He dreaded the answer. 'Where's Cat, Teyla? Why isn't she here? Is everything alright? Is she alright? Please, I need to know.'

'She's not coming, John,' was Teyla's quiet response. 'I'm so sorry. She is quite well, so you don't need to fear for her. I tried to talk her out of it, but she has decided to return to Earth and has already requested an emergency transfer back. Mr Woolsey tried to persuade her that she is needed here, in more ways than one, but it appears that she is quite determined. She stayed long enough to make sure you were well before she went to pack. The Apollo is arriving later today, and she will be shipping out then. She told me to say 'goodbye' and gave me this parcel for you.' Teyla reached beneath the bed and pulled out a package, tied with string.

'Open it for me, would you Teyla? I think I know what it is anyway.' The paper fell open to reveal the spare BDU's that John always kept in her drawer. He had once made the joke that, when off-world and away from her, he liked to think that his clothes had slept next to her knickers. This was final then. Her way of saying that no part of him would ever sleep next to any part of her again. It was over. John turned his head away from his team-mate, unwilling to reveal the tears that had started to course down his face, but Teyla seemed to know. She stayed quietly by his side, until his shoulders relaxed and he fell into a fretful sleep.

'Well, that's the second time in two days that I've watched a good friend cry themselves to sleep,' she thought. Gently, she leant over and kissed him on the cheek before she tiptoed out of the room. She was formulating a desperate plan even as she left the infirmary. She only hoped it would work.

***

Cat had packed her things and spent the last hour walking around the city, saying goodbye to the place she had come to feel was the only home she had ever had. She re-traced her movements, from the last to the first she had discovered, almost deliberately torturing herself. Each held an important memory in the progress of her relationship with John: the east pier, the gym, the rec room, the bar, the fire-arms range, her office, then finally back to the place they had called their 'home'. For most of the last seven months, this had been the happiest home she had ever had. Her bags were ready to be closed, when she remembered one last thing that she had not packed. Behind her drawers, where she knew John would never look, she pulled out the small box tied with red ribbon which contained the Athosian courtship ring that she had meant to give him last Valentine's Day. With everything that had happened since, there hadn't really been the right moment to give it to him. She had thought that the first anniversary of their night on the pier would have been an appropriately romantic moment, but all such thoughts needed to be put aside now. It was the last thing that she packed in her case, before she closed the zip and took one last look around the room. A tear fell as she thought the lights down and, stiffening her resolve, walked out of the door without looking round.

Cat was a civilian, not military trained, so she didn't hear the noise behind her, nor did she have time to register the flash of a stun gun, before she crumpled gently to the floor. Strong hands caught her before he could hit it too hard, and then, with the help of his two companions, she was gently carried away, along with her bags. When The Apollo left that evening, the city's archivist was not among its passengers. Instead, she was sleeping off being stunned in the bowels of Atlantis, where the Ancients had built their prison cells. Her captors had made her as comfortable as they could, with warm blankets and a soft mattress, then left her alone, taking the bags and possessions back to her and her and John's quarters. In one of the bags, Teyla had found the little box. She smiled as she recognised it. It was just what she had hoped to find. The rest was unpacked and put back, as closely as possible to how it was before, and Teyla smilingly put the be-ribboned box back behind the chest of drawers. She had watched Cat hide it there a few weeks ago.

Teyla had started to form her plan, as she left John's side. She had remembered the ring, and suspected that Cat had kept it somewhere. She contacted her people on the New Athos, and asked them to make another ring, the size of Cat's index finger. She had to guess the size, but knew that's Cat's slender fingers were about the same size as hers. Within two days, it was made and delivered to her. Now, they could work on joining together their two friends again.

Two days after The Apollo's departure, John had recovered well physically, but was still in a depressed state. He hadn't yet returned to his duties, but instead had spent most of the day in his old quarters, trying to take his mind off the emptiness he felt, by reading his favourite comics and listening to Johnny Cash. Nothing was working, though, and he had stopped talking, even to Rodney. The last time Rodney had tried to see him, a grizzled and unshaven face had appeared at the door, dark shadows under his eyes, grunted at him and shut the door in his face. It was so out of character, that all his friends knew they had to do something soon if the John Sheppard they knew was to return. God knows what he had faced on the mainland, he still hadn't talked about it, but Rodney had a feeling that it hadn't been pleasant for his friend. The sooner they could get the couple together again, the sooner John could start to heal. Where he couldn't or wouldn't talk to them, Rodney was certain that he would to Cat.

It was early in the morning on the third day that John received a radio message from Richard Woolsey. Apparently, a marine had been caught attempting to steal from the bursar's safe and had been locked up in the brig, awaiting interrogation by his CO. Woolsey was adamant that it was John's responsibility and he personally needed to talk to the marine, over-ruling all John's protestations, the implied threat being that John needed to do this if he were to remain as CO of Atlantis. In truth, John needed something else to take his mind of things and self-pity was beginning to wear rather thin, so he showered, shaved and put on his black uniform shirt and trousers. It felt kind of good, and he began to feel at least a semblance of being normal again. Seeming and being were two different matters, however, and the usually cheerful and smiling Colonel Sheppard was not the one seen walking through the city's corridors that morning. Whereas the old John would have smiled at all those he recognised, and that was most people because he made it his responsibility to get to know the names of each and every one of Atlantis' inhabitants, this one was stony faced and failed to make eye contact with any of the passersby.

TBC

_Almost over for John and Cat._


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5**

_Where John finally faces his demons._

Cat spent the first day of her captivity, in a perpetual state of anger. How dare her so called friends lock her up like this. Food and water was placed through the small opening in the force field, but neither Teyla, nor Rodney, nor Ronon said anything to her. Even Rodney's wife Katie and Amelia Banks, now more or less officially Ronon's partner, took turns in checking on her, but they were all under strict instructions to say nothing and answer no questions. She had no idea what was going on, although she did suspect that it was something to do with her and John. What they thought they could achieve, she couldn't imagine. He had, after all, betrayed her and cheated on her with another woman. Of that she was quite certain. There were some things that she could not forgive. And, if he had been in on her capture, and she had to admit that would have been kind of cool, then surely he would have visited her by now. Even when she needed to use the bathroom or have a shower, she had an escort and several times she had tried to escape, without much success. Unfortunately, being a 'glorified librarian' had not really prepared her for anything that required military tactics. She tried to work out how many days she had been kept here, counting the meals and the times when the lights were lowered for sleep. At a best guess, it had been three days. A kind of numb acceptance had replaced the anger and her intelligent mind was curious as to what her 'so-called' friends planned to do next.

What she didn't expect was what happened on the morning of the third day. It's amazing how quickly a human being quickly forms their lives into habit and Cat was already used to the visits that punctuated her days. She had already had breakfast and a shower, and was not expecting a further visitation for another couple of hours. So, she was lying on her bed, pillow propped as comfortably as possible, reading the book that Teyla had left her, when she registered the unexpected sound of the outside door opening . Looking up, she first noticed a pair of shiny military boots, worn in a very familiar and characteristic way: smart, yet casual. The boots were attached to a pair of long legs in black trousers. Raising her eyes slowly, she took in the black shirt and a black wristband round a strong wrist. Above the collar of the shirt, was a glimpse of a black tee-shirt and a small tuft of dark chest hair which refused to be tamed and she finally looked into the very handsome, but surprised features of John Sheppard, all capped with the usual mop of untameable dark hair.

But, before she could shout a word of warning to him, Ronon and Teyla grasped his shoulders, Rodney released the force field, and he was gently, yet deliberately pushed into the cell with her and the force field snapped on again.

He glanced at her, then turned on his heels to face the rest of his team. 'What the hell do you think you are doing? Let me out of here, NOW!' he roared.

'No, John,' said Teyla quietly, 'We will not let either of you out until you have sorted this once and for all.' And his team left the room, not before Rodney shot him an apologetic look, hoping that it might save him some grief later on, but rather suspecting that payback would be a bitch.

For a few seconds the two stood awkwardly, Cat unable to look at John's face and John, unsure of what to do next. At last, he broke the silence.

'You didn't leave.' It was more of a statement than a question.

'No. I was stunned, kidnapped and forcibly imprisoned. What do you think?' Damn, she hadn't meant that to come out so harshly.

'When you weren't there, in the infirmary, when I woke up,' he stuttered, 'I felt my heart break.'

The utter straightforwardness of this statement caused Cat to meet his eyes. John was often able to hide his emotions, but his expressive eyes could betray him. In them, she saw pain and hurt and something more which she couldn't read.

'You went to the mainland,' was all that came out of her mouth, though she wanted to say more.

At this, the strange calmness which lay between them broke. John took two long strides towards her, grasped her arms and looked into her eyes. 'Nothing happened. You must believe me, Cat. '

'I...I don't know if I can. I can't shake off the image of you and that brunette, at the bar that night. And Doctor Parrish is so your type. All I've been able to see in my head is you with her, having sex with her and it's all mixed up with you and that brunette and every time you were late all I could think was that you'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else.' A sob escaped her lips as she finally faced out loud all the fears she had carefully internalised.

'You are my 'type'. You.' When she didn't respond, he continued. 'Don;t you get it? Not some general description of hair and body and eyes or whatever 'type' means, but you and you alone. There is no other 'type' because the beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman I love is all I want or all I will ever want.' He attempted to put his arms around her and pull her closer to him, but she wasn't ready for that yet and pulled away. A hurt look crossed his face, then he took on pace backwards, still attempting to keep eye contact.

A little something inside her began to relax, but there were still demons to face and truths to reveal. She gave him a small smile of encouragement.

'That night. I saw you with her. I heard the tone of your voice as you tried to seduce her. I saw her sit on your knee. I saw you kiss her and I saw you put your hands on her body. That's why I ran off. I thought it was all over for us. I thought that you had only wanted me as a convenient 'piece of ass' and had moved on when I started to become serious.' Cat's voice began to shake as she recalled the emotions she had felt then. 'I know things have changed between us since then, for the better, but I can't get rid of the jealousy or the doubt. When you were late so much, I began to think that you were seeing her. I'm sorry if I was wrong John; I'm sorry if forced you into this position. If you tell me that you had sex with Doctor Parrish, I'll try to understand. It may take some time, but I really will try.' The tears started to flow as she let her emotions finally surface.

He moved forward again, this time the grasp firmer on her arms. 'Listen to me Cat. Nothing happened with the woman at the bar. I was stupid. I thought I would 'test' myself, to see if I really did feel as deeply for you as my heart was beginning to tell me. I was scared of commitment and scared of expressing my feelings. One day, I'll tell you why. I realised very soon after you saw us, me, that I was being a bloody idiot. I pictured you waiting for me on the pier and how you must have felt when I didn't turn up. I tried to find you and, well you know the rest from there. Yes, I was a stupid, insensitive, selfish bastard, but I didn't cheat on you then and I didn't cheat on you with Parrish. I was angry, I will admit, but I had no intention of taking it any further. In any case, she was more interested in the exotic plant life than me!'

He paused and looked deeply into her eyes, as if willing her to believe him. And, at that moment all her doubts were dispelled. In the time she had known him, she had never known him to lie. In fact, she knew him to be one of the most truthful men she had ever met, except when it came to honestly admitting an injury that is, when he would always underplay how much he hurt. Her face relaxed into a smile, as she moved closer to him and kissed him. She felt his arms curl around her back as he pressed himself against her, returning her kiss with a passion that was unmistakeable. When they finally paused for breath, the look in his eyes took her aback. There was delight, yes, and they had darkened with passion, but there was still something else there that she couldn't fathom

'John. What's the matter? Tell me. How were you injured? What happened on the planet? I know that something did, just as I know that something happened on Atlantis. Rodney told me all about the AI and the Sekari while we were waiting in the infirmary the night after you collapsed. Please, John. '

He paused for a moment, deciding what to do, then guided her towards the bed. His side was aching and he was suddenly very tired. 'The AI appeared to me as well.' For a moment he hesitated, then continued. 'it's a long and not very pleasant story, Cat. Are you sure you to hear it?' She nodded and he found the strength to continue. He told her about Kolya and how he had been tortured, having his life drained out of him by the Wraith they now called Todd. He told her how Todd had given him back his life and a little about how it felt, protecting her from the details of the pain he had suffered. Then, he related the events on the mainland, how the AI had appeared to him as Kolya and how he had been tortured yet again. He paused again, uncertain whether he could or even should continue. John had never been one to open up or reveal too much of the John Sheppard that bubbled just beneath the surface. Sure, all that stuff was what motivated him but he had kept it well buried until now. But this was Cat. He had no intention of making this confession thing a habit, but the AI has said that he had been the architect of his hallucination, that he had tortured himself. Maybe, just maybe talking to her would help.

'He cut off my left hand Cat. With a machete.'

She reached out and gently took hold of the hand, caressing it soothingly and put it to her lips and kissed it. 'It wasn't real, John. I know it felt real, but it wasn't. It's a good job I didn't know about this before the device was beamed aboard The Daedelus. I would have made damn sure that race was destroyed for what they did to you.'

He looked at his hand then looked up at her. 'In a way, that's not the worst of it. The worst is that I tortured myself. I decided how my hallucination would progress. It was in my mind and the AI used it. What does that say about me? And when I thought I was going to die, when I was hanging from the cliff top, I accepted it. It seemed okay. I thought about you and how much I loved you and was about to let go. Do you understand? I gave up. I've never given up in my life. Ever.' His voice had begun to break under the pressure of emotions long buried and he dropped his head, all the time looking at his hand as though checking it were still there.

'You didn't give up. You fought despair. You found a way to be positive. And, John, you escaped. You didn't give in to torture. You were strong. If this is your subconscious, then it is what gives you the strength to do what you do. '

He looked at her, hesitated for a minute, then nodded. He _knew_ she was good for him. He had opened up to her and she had seen the truth. It was typical of Cat's logic to be able to pick her way through the minefield that was his brain with such clarity. Yes, she _was_ good for him and he was damned if he was ever going to risk losing her again. A heavy weight lifted from his shoulders.

'Do you think they're ever going to let us out of here?' he quipped, determined to lighten the mood.

'Oh, I don't know. Here we are, a room to ourselves, nobody to disturb us. It would be a shame to waste it don't you think.' His eyes darkened as he leant towards her. This time the kiss was hotter and more passionate, his tongue taking ownership of hers. He lowered her onto the mattress, his hands beginning to undo her shirt, gasping as he realised that she was not wearing a bra.

'Oh, my god, Cat. You're so beautiful. Is there any other underwear you forgot to put on this morning? Perhaps I'd better check.' His breathing was becoming faster as he slipped his other hand past the waistband of her jogging pants, meeting soft, willing flesh. 'Well! I guess that answers my question,' he smirked, then grimaced as he caught his side. 'You know, my ribs are still very sore. I really should be taking it easy.'

Cat smiled back. 'Well, you don't have to do everything. Perhaps you need to rest on your back and let me do some of the work!' As he lay down, she straddled him and the lust built in his eyes. Cat wondered distantly how long it would be before Teyla, Ronon and Rodney came to check on them, then passion took over and she bent down and started to kiss John's neck and she didn't stop kissing him until they had enjoyed every inch of each other.

'Well, you see, you can give up control sometimes,' she giggled as she lay, curled up in his arms. 'It's good for the soul!'

'And for lots of other things too,' he chortled.

TBC

_AN :Almost there. Things are certainly looking up for John._


	7. Chapter 7

**Epilogue**

In the height of a New Lantean summer, the evenings are balmy and tonight the east pier was bathed in a soft rosy light, casting shadows on the table and chairs that were placed in one corner. A tall figure with dark messy hair, wearing a crumpled cream shirt and a figure hugging pair of blue jeans which nicely showed off his long legs, was nervously making final adjustments to the scene. Two chairs had been placed at the table and the scented candles, in a silver candelabra, cast a golden aurora above it. The man kept fiddling in his pocket, taking out a small box, and then returning it. A couple of times, he glanced anxiously at his watch before pacing to the edge of the pier and back to the table.

When the door at the far end of the pier opened, he smiled and jogged over to a pretty blonde woman before taking her in his arms and kissing her. Then, he took her arm, making an extravagant gesture towards the table and guided her over. A bottle of champagne was cooling in a silver bucket, and he adeptly uncorked it and poured two glasses. They clinked glasses and he leant over to kiss her again. A casual observer would probably have noticed how the couple did not seem able to keep their hands off each other and then would have turned away to avoid embarrassment as the couple's embrace became more passionate and intimate.

***

Teyla, Ronon and, cautiously followed by Rodney, had finally let the couple out of the brig. Rodney thanked goodness for Teyla's sense of timing, because although both were dressed, even he could not miss the messy bed or the warm glow on both their faces. It was clear to all that the fight was over and Rodney looked forward to normality, or what passed for normality on Atlantis. John and Cat thanked Teyla and Ronon, and John had thrown a playful scowl in Rodney's direction, indicating that payback was still a definite possibility.

John was still off duty and it would be a week before he was put back on light duties, and another week until he would be able to go off world again. Normally the prospect of so little to do would have bothered him, but he had plenty to occupy himself! Woolsey took the opportunity to appoint Cat an assistant, surprising all who knew the real reason. Underneath the exterior of the pedantic bureaucrat was a closet romantic, just as long as nobody felt they had to point it out. So, the couple spent a blissful first week, locked away for the most part in their quarters, talking, making love and sleeping, only to occasionally make a visit to the refectory to grab some food. Sometimes, giggles and other interesting noises could be heard from the east pier too, and it was tacitly understood around the city that this was a no go area. Apart from a large minority of the female population who had harboured secret desires for their handsome CO, everyone could not have been happier for them. And, John's BDU's were permanently back, 'sleeping' next to Cat's knickers in the chest of drawers.

They spent lunch in the cafeteria every day. And, John always greeted her with a light kiss or a hug, finally happy to be open about their relationship. Atlantis had already accepted her as the Colonel's lady. A week later and he was back to full duties and their lives fell back into a familiar routine. Cat would still wait secretly for him, hidden in the control room, if his team were late back from a mission, and Chuck still buzzed her when he returned on time, with the familiar codes. There was still no need for him to know.

By the summer months, they were heading for the first anniversary of that night on the east pier. At the first opportunity, Cat had checked her secret place behind the chest of drawers and was relieved to find the box with the red ribbon around it was still there. It seemed to her that their first anniversary was an appropriate landmark for the gift and she trusted enough in John's love to have no worries about how it would be received. After all, it was a courtship ring, nothing else. She knew all about his failed marriage to Nancy and had quite resigned herself to a lack of wedding bells in her future.

So, when she received an e-mail from him to meet her on the east pier for a romantic dinner for two, she was not expecting more than just that (oh, and a little passionate love making along the way wouldn't go amiss!). She dressed very carefully. Her blue dress clung to her curves in just the right places and she wore a pearl necklace that framed her neck and dipped just into her cleavage. A lot had changed since her arrival in Atlantis, when she hid behind the plain clothes and dull appearance. She even had a little blue bag in which she put the ring box.

John poured another glass of champagne and decided that it was now or never. Before Cat, or BC as he called it, he ran a mile from any gesture that could even vaguely be called romantic. Now, he was sitting at a table in arguably the most romantic location in the Universe, with a beautiful woman who he loved beyond measure, about on to get down one knee and ask her to marry him. Mckay would have a field day if he could have seen him now. He had just about plucked up the carriage, when he became aware of Cat's voice.

'I have a little gift for you, my love. I've been keeping it for the right moment. Happy Anniversary.' She pushed a little box towards him. Inside was leather string and a very familiar looking ring, and inside was engraved what he recognised as their names in Ancient. He was so surprised, that she must have mistaken his silence for dismay, because she was just beginning to take back the box, when he looked up and smiled, determined to let no further misunderstandings get in the way.

'It's perfect. I'll wear it always. The string is a great idea. It will be on my finger or around my neck at all times. Thank you sweetheart,' and, getting up he moved round to where she was sitting, knelt down next to her and kissed her. Here we go, John. You're on your knees now. No going back. 'My darling Cat. You have changed my life. I was only half a person before I met you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?' He hardly dared to make eye contact with her and it seemed like an eternity before he heard her whispered, 'Yes. I thought you'd never ask.'

He took the little box from his pocket. He would have a few gentle words with Teyla: she must have known that Cat had the duplicate. 'I know this is a courtship ring, sweetheart, but will you wear it as an engagement ring?'

Cat finally found enough breath to speak. 'I couldn't want for anything better,' then leant over and kissed him so passionately that it was his turn to gasp for breath. 'And now,' she continued,' can I unwrap the rest of my present?' It took him a second for his brain to catch up, but when he felt her fingers start to open the buttons on his shirt, he decided to make her second gift the best she had ever had.

THE END (for now)


End file.
